by Philippa Barr, LCSW

Every human being is born needing to attach to another. Seeing ourselves mirrored in someone else’s eyes lets us know who we are. Since infant survival depends on adult caretaking, babies quickly learn to adapt to the adults around them, no matter how dysfunctional those adults might be.

Babies need only “good-enough parenting,” and children will develop a healthy sense of self when they are valued for who they are, not for what they do. When an important adult looks lovingly into the eyes of a child, that child has a felt sense of lovability. From experiences like this, children learn that people are kind, that relationships are safe, and that they matter to another. Once they have a sense that someone is there for them, children feel safe enough to explore their world.

Unfortunately there are many reasons that a poor attachment or “not-good-enough parenting” can happen. A parent can be depressed, addicted, mentally or physically ill, be in an abusive or neglectful relationship, or be overwhelmed by other children or financial problems. If there is a poor “fit” between parent and child, a birth trauma, or even a congenital medical condition, attachment difficulties could result. This is no one’s fault. Parents do the best that they can, given their own needs, issues, and unresolved wounds. Although parents rarely intentionally hurt their children, sometimes children do get devastatingly hurt.

An important consequence of healthy attachment is the ability to tolerate strong feelings. If a baby is overwhelmed with strong emotions and is comforted while experiencing them, then the child learns that feelings are manageable. If, however, the baby is ignored when crying, or is shamed or punished for having strong feelings, then the child learns to hide or fear feelings. This is where addiction comes in.

People who can’t tolerate their feelings must find some way to survive. Often they use cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, food, sex, work, exercise, shopping, gambling, worrying or anything else to divert their attention from their pain.

All human beings have the same needs. Problems arise when we don’t get our childhood needs met when we are young. The normal needs of a preschooler don’t disappear if they aren’t met, they just “go underground.” When this child becomes an adult, he still carries inside of him unmet preschooler needs.

In order to function healthily, a person needs at least one secure attachment. Those who did not get this as a child must find a way to create that experience as an adult.

Psychotherapy, from an attachment orientation, whether in a group or an individual context, is a very reliable way to fill in the gaps, and make sense of the pain, fear and anger created when there is no secure attachment.

When people begin to heal in psycho therapy, they start to feel safe in a relationship, often for the first time. They are encouraged to bring all parts of themselves into the therapeutic relationship, especially what they have hidden for fear of rejection. They then experience being not only acceptable, but also truly loveable, for being exactly who they are. Their lives open up because they are not spending energy hiding their “darkness,” and they then have choices around whether, if, or how they continue with their addictive behaviors.

In order to be happy, human beings need to be seen accurately, and loved authentically. If we do not receive this as children, a deep wound is created, one that takes attention and care to heal. All addiction is an attempt to fill the empty space left by the lack of a secure attachment. It is very difficult to be an emotionally healthy adult, to give love to our partners, our children, and most importantly to ourselves, until we slowly and carefully heal our own deep wounds.

It is never too late.

Philippa Barr, LCSW is a psychotherapist practicing in Half Moon Bay. She can be reached via her Web site, www.coastsidepsych.com.