by Phyllis L. Neumann, MFT

Is your family having problems such as hostility between parents, financial stress, job insecurity, or problems that are alcohol- or drug-related? If so, the children in the family are affected as well.

Children will often reflect these problems through their external behavior. Some children may withdraw and hide, others may act out, and some may escape through excessive television, reading or computer games. Older children may even become surprisingly helpful and super-responsible, taking over much of the mother’s own role, such as caring for younger siblings, cleaning the house, cooking and performing other chores.

The two most obvious signs of stress show up primarily at school — in the classroom when they are learning, and on the playground when they are socializing. Children under stress may have difficulty focusing on their schoolwork —they may become bored, disinterested or even forgetful. They may have difficulty with friends —―they may get into frequent fights, or may become more isolated and withdrawn.

Below are some things to watch for. Children under emotional stress may:

• Look angry or depressed much of the time, seldom smiling or laughing.

• Be inattentive, tending to “space out” and daydream a good part of the day. They might lock themselves in their rooms for hours at a time.

• Appear lethargic and tired, or may sleep a lot more than is physically required.

• Get into frequent fights with their siblings or friends. Children who are angry on the outside are hurting on the inside.

• Isolate themselves from other children, often preferring to play by themselves.

• Become the victim of ridicule or abuse by other children, or become abusive themselves toward younger and more defenseless children or animals.

In general, children under emotional stress call attention to themselves in some way. They may exhibit behavior that is too outspoken, too quiet, too disruptive — or even “too good.” These signs of emotional stress should be taken seriously and investigated further by a professional.

Children under emotional stress need a place to deal with their feelings. School psychologists and counselors offer a good place to begin further evaluation. They will talk to the child and find out what is troubling him or her, and then work with the parents to help resolve the conflict or recommend alternatives.

Family counseling is a form of counseling where all family members participate in the counseling session together to share with each other how they are feeling, and get support for their feelings.

Play therapy is another form of child counseling in which the child is able to open up and express his feelings through the use of toys, rather than talking about his feelings the way adults do.

A family is a closed system — stress on one member of the family always affects the lives of the others. It is important to deal with the child’s problem as soon as it is recognized. The younger the child, the quicker the results. As children grow, they becomes more sophisticated and more skilled in hiding their feelings, and treatment often takes longer. Now is a good time to see how your child is doing and, if necessary, take action.

Phyllis Neumann is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with an office in Half Moon Bay. She has been in practice for over 30 years. She enjoys working with individuals and couples and also leads a women’s therapy/support group. Neumann can be reached at 650-726-8199, or by e-mail at phyllneum@aol.com.