by Janet Periat

Call them resolutions, call them promises, call them whatever you want, but this is the time to set goals for the year. Below is my list, which may help you generate your own. Or not.

Goal No. 1: Stop being pissed off at things beyond my control. Every time I watch the news — which is daily — I end up spitting acid and screaming, and my head spins around on my shoulders. Bankers getting bonuses for screwing us all over. Town hall meetings that turn into World Wrestling Federation matches. Rush Limbaugh. Blue states and red states. Yet, I do not want to bite when I am fed the anger chew toys. I want to drop the ball and concentrate on what I want in my life. Which is less bile, more fun. But when some idiot on TV is screaming and waving a sign that says “Keep Government Out of My Medicare!” I can’t help but want to smash that person over the head with a reality stick.

Goal No. 2: Lose weight. This has been on my goal list for the  past 15 years. I call it a Legacy  Goal. Have no idea if I’ll do anything about it, but it’s a nice thing to have on my list.

Goal No. 3: Ignore irritating people. We are surrounded by many annoying people in our lives. The more self-aware you become, the more irritating people you notice. So this year, when some irritant walks up to me and says something stupid, I don’t want to be angry. I want to either ignore them or come up with a witty comeback other than “Shut up, Dad.”

Goal No. 4: Prioritize my to-do list. Maybe optimize my to-do list would be a better way of putting it.  I fret over the yard, the house, my work, everything. I’m so afraid of not finishing the tasks on my list   that now I feel like a failure at everything. When I’m writing, I’m failing at keeping the house up. When I’m cleaning the house, I’m failing at writing. So I’ve decided to write my books and wear a blindfold the rest of the time. I may trip over stuff, but if I can’t see the mess, I won’t care.

Goal No. 5: Work out more. This has also been on my goal list for the past 15 years. Another Legacy Goal. Putting it on my list makes me feel less guilty about eating lots of chocolate and drinking beer and not working out. Hey, it’s on the list, isn’t it?

Goal No. 6: See my friends more. Because I’ve got this stupid list of crap I never finish, I don’t schedule as much time with friends. Wait…I’m having an epiphany… I’m… writing a list… about letting  go of my obsession with adhering   to lists… there’s a lesson here somewhere… if I could only find it…

Goal No. 7: Be OK with who I am and where I am now. Here’s  the person I want to be: mature, self-confident, rich, on The New York Times best-seller list, svelte and buff. Here’s where I am: overly emotional, self-confident in writing only, and super broke. My total books sold for the last two years is 534 and I’m chunky. But this is my best. I work hard, and for some reason, this is the best I can do. And I want to be OK with that. I want to be OK with me. Fat, wrinkly, beer-drinking, swearing-every-other-word me. Somehow that looks even worse in print. I just frightened myself. Maybe this is another one of those Legacy Goals …

Goal No. 8: Complete planned art projects. I want to create this entire series of yard monsters. Using chicken wire and plaster, I want to build large — 4 to 6 feet tall — strange colorful creatures and put them in my yard. I want them peering out from behind bushes or guarding the mailbox or lurking by the garage. I have many designs in mind and have already created smaller versions out of polymer clay. This also sounds even crazier in print. And I just added a goal to your list: Avoid  moving next door to Janet.

Goal No. 9: Stop worrying. Another Legacy Goal, but I get closer every day. I’ve worked hard and I’ve let go of many things. I am no longer worried that I will get female-pattern baldness (at 50, I can tell I dodged that bullet). I’m not worried about my parents moving next door to me (because they’re dug in like ticks at that retirement home). I’m not worried that my cat will die (because he’s already dead). I don’t worry about Frank cheating on me (maybe  I should). I don’t worry about passing classes (because I graduated in 1989). See? I’ve really come a long way.

Goal No. 10: Stop making stupid Goals Lists. And enjoy my life. I don’t want to push myself so hard that I wake up dead one day and wonder where the hell my life went. I don’t want my tombstone to read: Died Trying To Finish Her To-Do List. Or the converse, I don’t want the two people at my funeral saying, “Yeah, hadn’t seen her much in recent years. But I heard she finished everything on her list.” Somehow I don’t think there’s a special red velvet section of Heaven reserved for people who completed their to-do lists. I’m afraid instead of wings they’ll give me a dunce cap that reads: Lived Her Life By Lists and Forgot To Enjoy Herself.

I just hope my Legacy Goals don’t follow me into the next life.

©2010, Janet Periat