One of the most troubling questions I encounter during the first session of therapy with a couple is “Should we work on our marriage rather than just ending it?” My answer is always the same. “I assume since you have taken the time to see me and discuss this question with a marriage therapist then the answer is ‘yes.’ Otherwise, you would be seeing a divorce lawyer.”

Divorce often shows a lack of imagination about how to live in a committed relationship. The real feeling that exists behind a couple’s statement that they wish to end their marriage often is, “We are exhausted by trying the same old patterns and encountering the same failure. Can you give us any ideas how we can be different in this relationship?”

Now that is an excellent place to begin. So let’s explore the possibilities.

After 30 years of doing marriage counseling, I have found that within 30 minutes of listening to a couple, I can usually see what needs to change in their marriage. Of course, after just 30 minutes, most couples are not ready to hear what I can see.

They first want to complain, release their anger, and express their frustration. Then, perhaps, they’re ready to hear what is needed to repair the damage. Marriage counseling is not rocket science. It involves a basic comprehension of couple dynamics and the skills to help the couple see what they need to do differently in order to heal their marriage.

Although marriage counseling is not a complicated process, marriage is the most complicated human relationship I know of. It’s complicated because, in order for it to work, the modern marriage must be an equal relationship.

If your relationship is not equal, it will breed a power struggle. When one spouse holds more power than the other, eventually the relationship must come unglued. The reason is simple. An imbalance in the distribution of power will create disrespect and passive-aggressive behavior. The more powerful spouse will disrespect the weaker one, and the weaker one’s hostile feelings will be expressed in a passive-aggressive manner.

This imbalance of power is at the heart of most marital problems. It affects the self-esteem of both individuals in the relationship and results in the one who is weaker sabotaging the one who is more powerful.

Many marriages of this kind are held together by the negative use of power. For example, traditionally men have the power over money, while women have the power over sex. As a result, in marital therapy, sex and money are the two most disputed issues. But most declared problems are not the real problem. The couple must look beyond their money and sex issues to see the underlying power struggle. Until they see this deeper dynamic, they will go around in circles fighting and struggling, complaining and hurting each other, but never really knowing what is at the root of their problems.

In my experience, most couples blind themselves to their real issues, preferring to fight about issues that are merely symptoms of these underlying issues. Enter the competent marriage therapist. The therapist should see the underlying dynamic of a marriage and have the experience to guide the couple to heal their original wounds. Not getting to the bottom of the real issues is like the story of the princess and the pea under the mattress. No matter how many mattresses she placed on top of the original mattress, until the pea is found and removed, she will not be able to sleep. Good marriage therapy finds the pea under the mattresses, and teaches the couple how to remove the disruptions that are causing their strife.

Stephen Martin is a marriage and family therapist in private practice since 1980 with offices in Moss Beach and San Francisco. He has served as President of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the largest association of marriage therapists in the world. You can read Martin’s blog at his Web site, www.healmarriage.com. He can be reached at 650-726-1212, or by e-mail at stephen@healmarriage.com.