by Janet Periat

I am one of the most naïve people on this planet. I live in a sheltered world of homemaking, work, marriage, friends and family. While I do my best to keep my eyes open to all the varied sides of humanity, the Internet continually provides me with information that shocks me and makes me feel like an innocent 5-year-old.

I was on Facebook the other day and an advertisement popped up. “Life is short. Have an affair.” I thought it was a joke. I mean, it couldn’t be real. So I clicked through to a site called Ashley Madison.com. It took me several long minutes to comprehend what was taking place. When I finally figured it out, my jaw dropped onto my keyboard.

AshleyMadison.com is a dating site for married people who want to cheat on their spouses. Here’s my favorite part of the site, under Terms and Conditions: User Conduct. In your use of our Service, you agree to act responsibly in a manner demonstrating the exercise of good judgment. What? Which part of deciding to destroy your family constitutes “good judgment”? How “responsible” is it to sneak around behind your loved one’s back? Is it responsible to throw away your marriage vows? Leave your kids snuggled in bed and go out and plug some guy with hair plugs? What is wrong with people?

I was so disgusted by this horrible site, I signed up so I could get even more righteously indignant. Using a picture of my cat as my profile pic, I trolled through the offerings in my hometown. Get this: Men actually posted real pictures of themselves. How dumb are these morons? Don’t they think their wives might peruse the site? (Note to suspicious wives: Go onto the site and see if your man is on there.)

Every guy’s profile said the same thing. They were all “great guys” who “like their living situation” but whose “wife won’t put out enough.” And they were all “romantic” and “knew how to treat a lady.” Yes, cheating is so romantic. And you can tell how great these guys treat ladies; look how well they’re treating their wives.

This calls to mind a recent experience of a friend who dated through Match.com. Midway through the evening, her date’s phone rang. My friend, a whiz at one-liners, said, “Better get that, it’s probably your wife.” He withdrew the phone, checked the caller and replied, “Yeah, it’s her, but I’m not picking up.” Stunned, my friend endured an hour-long gripe-fest from the guy about how his wife didn’t sleep with him enough. My friend finally replied, “If you’d taken her out instead of me, that might fix the problem.”

Which brings up the entire reason these idiots are having difficulties at home. If they spent half the time on their wives that they’re spending trying to  get a cheap piece on the Internet, they wouldn’t need to troll dating sites for sex. Morons.

After creating my profile, I got 45 messages in two days. I read five before  I had to stop and take a shower to cleanse myself of the filth. Mostly the men wanted to have sex with me because “you live close to me.” And they  all wanted to know if they could come to my place. So flattering. They should cut to the chase and advertise for sluts with “hidden love nests” and no self-esteem.

Of course, I wasn’t satisfied with AshleyMadison.com; I had to continue my exploration of Internet dating weirdness. Recently, I saw a TV show about Sugardaddie.com, where young women — sugar babies — pick up generous older men, but it’s not prostitution. The site owner repeated that over and over.  Even though people are trading sex for money, it has nothing to do with prostitution. It’s about generosity.

A sugar daddy on the TV show likened the agreement to marriage. Women get paid for sex in marriage, he stated. Yes, I can see where this sugar baby/daddy thing is exactly like marriage. Without all the messy laws, vows, children, in-laws and commitment. “I, take you, Frank, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to trade you sex for money, and buddy, you’d better pay up.” Amazing what stupid crap comes out of the mouths of people who are trying to justify questionable activities.

Prepared to be disgusted, I created a profile and went trolling on the Sugardaddie site. I wasn’t disgusted. Many sugar daddies were hot. These guys were by far the nicest looking group of men on any dating site I’ve ever researched. Probably due to all the Botox. And some of their profiles were unexpectedly entertaining. Most posted pictures of themselves in front of expensive cars or yachts, but one guy posted a photo of himself with a dolphin. I’m not sure what he was trying to convey. “Only rich men can own dolphins.” Or “I spend way too much time at Sea World.” Or maybe “I own Sea World.”

Another sugar daddy really wanted to impress the ladies. So he posted a picture of himself standing next to Barack Obama. Yes. Our president. I’m sure Obama is thrilled with this endorsement. I’m sure he’d be proud to meet his constituent’s new girl. “Is this your granddaughter?” the president would ask. “Heh heh heh! No, this is my … date.” Because surely the answer would not be, “This is my sugar baby. I pay for her clothes and jewelry and she gives me sex. But it’s not prostitution. So don’t even think that. Because it’s not prostitution.”

So what did I learn through all this? I’m so glad to be sheltered, be in a stable marriage and live a life based upon values, ethics and honesty. Well, except for that part where I lied about who I was on those freaky dating sites. But I don’t think that technically counts.

And if something happens to Frank, I also learned where to find a rich guy who likes dolphins.

©2009, Janet Periat