Close your eyes; listen to your surroundings. Listen attentively to everything that is going on around you. No matter where you are, I am sure you will hear something you were not aware of before you concentrated on hearing something outside your own mind speaking to you.

I have been listening to my surroundings for many years. I listen to the trees singing in the wind and the water trickling down the street making happy gurgling sounds. I listen to the crashing waves speaking in thunderous voices about the joys of the world, and of course I hear the sounds of people all around me who both laugh with joy or cry out in pain. I cannot help but hear all these sounds because I am “tuned in” to them. I have trained my mind to hear things other than my own sometimes-senseless ramblings. It is because of this training that I am able to help others hear things within themselves and within their own sacred microcosms.

When is it important to listen and when is it important to filter out those things that cause us pain? That’s a good question to ponder. I see many young people becoming parents to their parents of late; most of these young people are in the process of learning to listen with both ears. They are listening to the sometimes subliminal messages that may tell them “I am hurting, I need more love, please help me” — calls of despair from aging or compromised parents. Calls that sometimes are formed with words but also with meta-messages: tone of voice, eye signs, and body language of all kinds, including gestures, eyebrow movements and posture. When our parents tend to lose sight of some of the more mundane things in life, like the activities of daily living — dressing, washing, cleaning up after themselves, brushing their hair or teeth — then someone who is close to them needs to step in and help, and a child may become a parent to a parent. When parents are not remembering anymore, not able to listen to themselves or to others and to things going on around them, it may be time.

What does it mean to be a parent? Unconditional love and strict rules — maybe. Hard work — definitely. Taking time away from self; selflessness. Understanding others from their point of view. How about being able to be empathic in the face of a deaf receiving ear — an ear that does not or cannot listen to words that don’t mean much anymore? A person with dementia may not understand the words “I love you.” The simple act of touching someone on the hand or arm may be all that is needed to reassure this compromised individual that you care and are a friend.

The dictionary defines the word parent as “a person who rears a child, especially with care, love and guidance.” Being a parent is an awesome responsibility that carries with it the burden of commitment, dedication, selflessness, non-judgment and listening. Caregivers must listen to their own thoughts about their ability to be all these things and still maintain a sense of self. It is a paradox. This situation is one that carries with it the risks of losing oneself in another, so we all must be aware of listening attentively to ourselves in order to know when to “back off” and protect our emotions as well as our sense of well-being. This is not an easy task, to say the least.

Listening is a skill that needs to be practiced. I suggest practicing this art form way before you are ever called upon to use it. It is a “must” — and a gift you will not only have ready to share, but to give away when the time comes to be a parent to your parent.

Dr. Eric Shapira is a clinical gerontologist with Aging Mentor Services. He holds a master’s degree in clinical gerontology and a master’s in health administration. Shapira can be reached at agingmentorservices.com or at 650-728-5827.