by Dena Reiner

Assumptions: “But I thought …”

We assume things every day. You assume the teachers who teach your children have their teaching degree. You assume that when you are thirsty, a glass of water will quench your thirst.  It is normal to assume.

Every so often my morning newspaper is not delivered. It usually happens when there is a new carrier. One day when I thought my paper was not delivered, I walked out a different door than  I usually do, and there was my paper. I had already complained to the carrier. Due to previous delivery problems, I had automatically assumed that the paper had not been delivered, and there was a new carrier. I had assumed two things, neither of which was true. I discovered that sometimes someone walking by my house tosses my paper somewhere other than where I am used to seeing it, assuming it would   be easier for me to retrieve.

One of the many mediations I’ve participated in involved a person who had recently moved into a new home. Upon awakening one morning, he looked out of his window to see what he thought was a grotesque piece of artwork staring him in the face from his neighbor’s property. Prior to this, he believed his neighbor did not like him, so he assumed the neighbor displayed the artwork just to annoy and irritate him. Actually, the neighbor had sensed the tension between the two of them and thought by displaying what he thought was a beautiful piece of artwork, a positive conversation would ensue between the two of them. When the aggrieved person began telling the neighbor why he thought the neighbor did not like him, the neighbor was flabbergasted, since he actually liked his new neighbor and, until the mediation, could not understand the tension between the two of them.

It is key to remember that assumptions are not proven truths. For this reason, it is very important not to make assumptions about other people as to their perceptions or the reasons they do what they do. As you can see from the story above, this is especially true of the person with whom you are having a conflict. When you are in conflict with someone, your assumptions about that person may lead you in the opposite direction of resolving your conflict.

As I have written before, the most important aspect of resolving conflict is communication. The conversation should be as specific as possible to get at the underlying truth. This is your opportunity  to turn your assumptions into truths because if you do not, you are not laying a solid foundation for anything that follows.

The goal is to have each person involved understand exactly what the other person says. The only way this can be accomplished is to ask questions of each other, and the questions should be formed to elicit more than simple yes or no answers. The more information you gather and the more clarity you achieve, the better chance you have of resolving your conflict. And when you hear an answer, rather than assume you understand what the person means, ask the person if your understanding is correct.

So, the next time you “assume” something, just remember that’s what you’re doing — making an assumption. Do your best not to confuse assumptions with facts.

Happy New Year! I welcome your thoughts and questions.

Dena Reiner is a mediator who resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over eight years’ experience mediating disputes, and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. She can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@comcast.net.