“Hey! He’s my boyfriend!”

by Dena Reiner

OK, girls — this article is for you. So, if you’re an adult reading this, kindly pass it on.

Please, young ladies, stop beating each other up over a guy. I mean really, is it worth getting kicked out of school or having to appear in a courtroom before a judge? Trust me; it’s not. I’ve done enough juvenile delinquency mediations to know that boys don’t fight over girls nearly as much as girls fight over boys. Boys’ problems are more varied than girls’ problems, and most of the time, boys resolve their problems in a friendlier, less aggressive way than girls do. Girls seem to be crueler to each other.

What reason do you have to fight with the other girl in the first place? It’s the guy who’s the problem, not the other girl. If there’s a problem between you and your boyfriend, fighting with the other girl isn’t going to help you get him back. It’ll just stroke your boyfriend’s ego. It doesn’t matter who’s chasing whom — the guy chasing the girl,  or the girl chasing the guy. The problem is in the relationship you and your boyfriend have, not with the other girl.

Think about what you’re fighting over — a guy who shows no respect to either of you. Don’t spoil your image by losing your cool and getting into trouble over something that probably won’t matter to you in a very short time.

I know it’s not easy because your feelings are so intense: the affection or love you have for your boyfriend and the misplaced anger towards the other girl.

I beg you not to believe everything you hear, even it comes from your best friend. Too often the causes of fights that have brought girls or boys before me at mediation were based on rumor or gossip. “June said she saw John kissing Jane,” or, “I heard that John and Jane were holding hands.” You get my drift. Stay away from “he said, she said” situations. Sometimes girls or boys will purposely provoke fights between others for their own amusement. So, before you blame someone for something, make sure it’s true, and not based on something you heard from someone else or something someone else saw.

There are better ways to react than fighting. Ditch the boyfriend. You’ll meet another. Think about talking it out with the person — that’s talking, not screaming or yelling. How about mediation? Before getting in trouble and having the court, school or parole officer suggest mediation, ask about it yourself. If your school doesn’t offer mediation, you can probably get referred to a mediation program in your community. You might want to become a mediator yourself, as others have done after experiencing the process. It’s a great process with a high success rate.

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to be a role model to others as to how to handle arguments. You have your whole future ahead of you; don’t ruin it by having a bad record, criminal or otherwise, follow you into adulthood.

So, when your first reaction is to fight, take a deep breath, and think about the consequences of what you’re about to do — not only for yourself, but also for your family and friends and the other girl and her family and friends.

I welcome your thoughts and questions.

Dena Reiner is a mediator who resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over nine years’ experience mediating disputes and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. She can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@att.net.