by Dena Reiner

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do!”

When you’re attempting to resolve a conflict, there are definite “don’ts” — things it’s best not to say or ask. As I go through a few of them, think of how you would feel if you were confronted with someone ignoring one of these “don’ts.” Remember that your intent is to communicate to the other person what you’re feeling and what you believe caused the conflict. If you haven’t read my November 2009 article, now would be a good time to do so, as it will help you figure out what the real problem is — which is usually not what you think it is.

Begin by telling the other person how you feel and what you need from him to resolve the conflict. At this point, you’re not asking for anything; you’re expressing feelings and needs. When you get to the point of asking for something, bear in mind that whatever you’re asking for should be realistic and doable by the other person. In other words, don’t ask for the moon and the stars; just ask for the moon.

Stay away from telling other people what they should or should not do. For one thing, what works for you probably wouldn’t work for someone else. Besides, do you know anyone who likes to be told what to do or what not to do? I don’t.

Threatening or lecturing someone is not a good idea, either. Again, think of how you’ve felt when you experienced a threat or a lecture; such things serve to exacerbate the conflict and take you further away from resolving it. If the communication between the two of you is on the right track, the other person will offer ideas and suggestions as to what he can and wants to do to resolve the situation.

And be careful about asking someone “why.” It might sound like you’re blaming him — saying that it’s all his fault. Even though you might feel that way, if you think about it, you’ll probably find you also contributed to the conflict. Remember, the person is treating you in a way you don’t like because you’re allowing it.

Of course, you want to find out the “why,” but be wary of how you pose your questions so as not to imply blame or judgment. For example, rather than saying, “Why did you do that?” or “How could you have done that?” try “I want to understand, so please tell me more about what you were thinking.” Or try this: “I’d appreciate it if you could be more specific. I really want to know exactly what you mean.”

This type of conversation will help clarify the reasons for the conflict for both of you. It will get the two of you to think about what’s really important to each of you. Once you’re done expressing your feelings and needs, ask the other person what his are, if he doesn’t volunteer to do so. This will lead each of you to offer solutions. When you reach that point and start looking at things with a different perspective, use phrases such as “what if” or “I wonder what it would be like if” or “suppose.”

Talking to each other in an empathetic, nonjudgmental and respectful manner is the key to finding positive and lasting solutions to conflicts. Once you become adept at positive and open communication, you’ll be able to prevent conflicts, and your life will be a lot more enjoyable and unstressed.

Dena Reiner is a mediator who resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over 10 years’ experience mediating disputes and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. She can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@att.net.