by Dena Reiner

“Well, where I come from …”

One of the most interesting questions I was ever asked is “What is culture?”

To me, “my culture” meant my Jewish heritage, but there are numerous cultures. Besides my Jewish culture, I am part of many others: a Russian culture, a German culture, an American culture, a white woman culture, a single woman culture, a knitting culture, a city culture — get the picture?

Influenced by my family, I used to make fun of the way a specific ethnic group pronounced a certain word. I finally realized it had nothing to do with them being illiterate, or not as smart as I. Nor did it have anything to do with right or wrong; it was their culture and the way they were taught to speak.

Here’s a scenario with many different cultures at play: An employer was having negative interactions with his employees; he felt that the employees didn’t treat him respectfully. He didn’t understand why his employees didn’t do what he asked.

For the employer to gain respect from his employees, he has to respect them, too. Respect is a two-way street, and I believe this is the most important aspect of resolving conflict positively.

The employer was used to having things done his way, and that is what he wanted. At staff meetings, the employer told the employees what had to be done, how it should be done, what they should wear — a list of rules. The only agenda was the employer’s.

If staff meetings were conducted in a way that included an exchange of ideas between the employer and the employees, everyone would benefit — including the business. I believe a business is successful or unsuccessful because of its employees, since the employees interact with customers or clients on a regular basis. The employees, as well as the employer, probably have ideas as to how to improve the relationship between employer and employee, and how to make the business more prosperous.

Egos should be left outside of these meetings. Everyone involved should be treated as peers, which in itself is respectful. It would help to have an objective person facilitate the meetings to ensure that everyone is respected, listened to, understood and not interrupted. If there are a lot of issues, get them on the table, and take them one at time, with everyone having a say in prioritizing the issues.

This same employer also had a problem with a particular employee, who said hello to everyone, except him, upon arriving at work. The employee never looked into the employer’s eyes. The employer thought the employee didn’t like or respect him.

Until the employer talks to the employee and asks about the reasons for this behavior, the employer can only assume what those reasons are. Perhaps the employee is intimidated by the employer — or, as part of his culture, he may be showing respect by not looking into another person’s eyes.

Also, the employer never said hello to his employees first, because where he comes from, the custom is for employees to say hello to the employer first. If the employer said hello first, both might be pleasantly surprised.

Remember, there are no rights or wrongs; there are only differences, which should be embraced and celebrated. Wouldn’t it be great to eliminate the words “hate crime” from our vocabulary?

Dena Reiner is a mediator who resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over 10 years’ experience mediating disputes and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. She can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@att.net.