by Dena Reiner

“Who am I to judge?”

If you choose to be more accepting and less judgmental of people, and can carry that through to anyone you’re in conflict with, your chances of reaching a satisfactory outcome are much greater.

I’m not talking about being friends with someone you can’t stand; accepting someone and being nonjudgmental doesn’t mean you have to like them. I’m talking about accepting people for who they are whether or not you like them. I’m sure you encounter people you don’t care for and don’t want to associate with, but they’re there. I don’t know about you, but if I don’t find a way to accept these people, I become angry, impatient, and frustrated whenever I see them — and these feelings are exacerbated if I have to interact with them. When I’m nonjudgmental and accept them for who they are, I’m definitely less stressed.

How does this relate to being in conflict with someone you care about, or someone you don’t necessarily like but interact with often? Being judgmental closes your mind to, or greatly narrows your possibilities of, a positive outcome. If you’re willing to communicate honestly with the other person and be open to what he or she has to say, together you’ll be able to find a positive, sustaining solution that will end the conflict. You might even ask yourself, “How could I have been so wrong about this person?” Maybe you’ll catch yourself the next time you’re being judgmental and turn it around. After all, you’re the only one who can change the way you think.

I used to be very judgmental — bad for a mediator, but I was new to the field. If I didn’t like what one of the parties looked like or I didn’t like the person’s demeanor, I’d make a snap judgment. “Doesn’t look like a caring mother to me.” “He wants more visits? Yeah, right.” “She isn’t going to contribute anything worthwhile to this mediation.” There they were, my judgments, which seemingly popped into my head automatically. I ate my silent words almost every time. It didn’t take me long to realize how mentally confining it was to be judgmental. Oh, I’m still occasionally judgmental, toward myself more than anything, but I’ve come a long way. Over time and through practice, I’ve changed my pattern. It has become more automatic for me to react in a nonjudgmental way.

Being nonjudgmental toward another person will open your mind to other feelings such as empathy and compassion. You’ll have an inner calm whenever you think of or interact with this person in the future. Your world will open to choices and options you never would have thought of, and it will eliminate some of the “negatives” in your life.

As you become less judgmental, people familiar with you will probably notice positive changes in you, which will give you an opportunity to relate the benefits you’ve reaped by being nonjudgmental. Modeling your behavior is also a wonderful way to teach others about being nonjudgmental.

It always comes down to the same thing: We’re all human beings, no one person better than another.

I welcome your thoughts and questions. For further reading, I recommend The Magic of Conflict by Thomas F. Crum.

Dena Reiner is a mediator who resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over eight years experience mediating disputes, and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. Reiner can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@comcast.net.