by Dena Reiner

“You never contribute anything, except your negativity.”

Everyone involved in a conflict has, in some way, contributed to the conflict. No one is right; no one is wrong. So forget blaming anyone for anything. What’s important is getting to the heart of the problem, which isn’t usually what you think it is.

People come to mediation thinking it’s because someone trimmed their tree without asking permission, their neighbor’s barking dog is driving them crazy, or their neighbors play loud music late at night. What they discover in mediation is that behind these annoyances — these issues — there are underlying interests that explain what’s really going on.

Issues have to be identified before you can discover your underlying interests. It would help if you asked yourself exactly what it is you want to talk about, and what concrete things you can do to help resolve the issues amicably.

Underlying interests are the things that motivate you, such as your concerns, needs, desires and fears. If there are multiple interests, make sure to discuss them one at a time.

Scenario: You’re hosting Thanksgiving dinner, as usual, and not looking forward to having the usual argument with your brother. The only thing your brother contributes to the festive gathering is negative criticism. He never brings anything, except his self-serving attitude. He doesn’t even offer to help with anything. The time has come when you can no longer tolerate his negative attitude. You want to enjoy your dinner, family and friends, and not argue with him anymore. You’ve had it.

The issues are your brother’s negative criticism and self-serving attitude.

The underlying interests are what motivates you to want your brother to be more thoughtful and talk to you without ridiculing, deriding or negatively criticizing almost everything you do. Remember, this only concerns you and your brother. Though he treats others the same way, they might not be as bothered as you are.

Ask yourself why you want your brother to treat you differently, and what effect it might have on the relationship between the two of you.

Your underlying interests in this situation might be your need to be treated with respect, your desire to clearly relate your feelings to your brother and know he has listened to and understood those feelings, and your fear of not having any relationship with your brother, which is likely if nothing was to change.

You’re going to have to talk more about your feelings and how what’s happened affected you, rather than the issue itself. Until that happens, your brother might not have a clue about how upset you really are and that the relationship is threatened because of the way he treats you.

Also, keep in mind that you have a better chance of having positive results if you address issues, and then interests, rather than argue positions: “You are just flat-out rude.” Positions are generally pretty rigid and might cause more problems.

It’s extremely important to remember your brother also has interests, needs and concerns he would like met and understood by you. You want to be treated with respect — to be listened to and understood — and so does your brother.

It wouldn’t hurt to have this conversation with your brother before Thanksgiving, or whatever the event might be, so you and everyone else can enjoy their time together without the usual tension.

If you furnish me with your e-mail address, I’d be happy to send you two lists of words, which can help you identify and express your feelings when your needs are met, and when they aren’t.

I welcome your thoughts and questions.

Dena Reiner is a mediator who resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over 10 years’ experience mediating disputes and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. She can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@att.net.