by Dena Reiner

“Stop nagging me!”

“But it’s still not done.”

Gender differences in communication can make it difficult to understand each other, causing conflict. Sometimes, when I’m in a conversation with a man, I ask myself, “Are we understanding each other?”

While each person is an individual, and no generalization applies to all men or all women, there are some basic differences in how men and women tend to communicate. There’s no right or wrong. We just need to understand these differences, so there will be less disappointment, less arguing, better communication, and more intimate relationships.

Men usually talk about something   related to their accomplishments, something they are proud of — women usually talk about something related to acceptance — something that helps in making connections and having close  relationships.

If you’re a woman and know that women communicate on a more emotional level than men, there’s no reason for you to get upset when you don’t get an emotional response from a man. And if you’re a man, there’s no reason for you to get upset when a woman becomes emotional.

I bristle when a man calls a woman a “nag.” It is disrespectful and unproductive when trying to resolve something. There’s only one reason a woman asks a man the same thing over and over: her request remains unfulfilled. If a woman remembers that a man might think of her as a nag or a complainer, she can gently remind him that if he did what  he said he would do, the “constant nagging” would end. If you’re a man in this situation, take the words “nag” and “complain” out of your vocabulary. Replace them with, “I’m sorry. I should’ve done this weeks ago.”

When a woman tells a man about a problem, the man usually wants to fix that problem; the woman usually wants to be listened to, comforted and supported. So, if you’re a woman, tell the man specifically what you need from him at the outset. And if you’re a man listening to a woman, you probably won’t have to do anything else. If you try to solve her problem or offer advice, you run the risk of making her feel less worthy and undervalued. If you’re unsure how to react, ask her what she needs from you.

Bear in mind that women and men listen differently. Women tend to listen to everything, paying attention to details; men tend to listen to what they think is important — the bullet points.

Research shows we’re not born with gender differences in communication; these differences are taught, starting with actions taken before a child is born.

If you’re having a girl, everything will be pink; a boy, everything will be blue. When talking to your baby girl — in or out of the womb — your tone of voice will be cutesy; when talking to a baby boy, your voice will be stronger. You might give your daughter a truck   to play with, but would you give your son a doll? Boys are taught to compete; girls are taught to be social.

Alas, it’s still a man’s world. Women are continually thought of as second-class citizens in many parts of the world: walking behind men, wearing veils and clothes to hide their faces and bodies, being left without resources when divorced or widowed. Women are often  afforded the same assistance and aid as minority groups, and are grouped as such  — “minorities and women.”

If we can understand each other,  and learn to take the best from one another, we can work together more effectively to bring about positive change and resolution, maybe even ending wars.

Dena Reiner is a mediator who  resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over 10 years’ experience mediating disputes and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. She can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@att.net.