by Stephen Martin

If you have been in a committed relationship for any length of time, you may have noticed the loss of enchantment most relationships experience as time marches on. A common question presented in marital therapy is, “How do we return the magic? What can be done?”

Whenever I go to the circus, the act I am always impressed with is the trapeze artists. They are a small group of people dancing in mid air with only a safety net to protect them from total disaster. Their grace and timing is impeccable. Their beauty is mesmerizing.

I see the beauty of the trapeze artists as a metaphor for couples who wish to perfect their relationship. The ease and grace witnessed by the audience does not tell the complete story. The dedication of the artists to their work and the amount of time they practice goes unnoticed during the performance. But we all know how hard they have worked to perfect their timing, skill and grace.

The truth is they have practiced, practiced and then practiced some more. So it is with a good relationship. Time is needed to acquire the skills and the beauty we all enjoy seeing. Practice is required to create any magical event. It never happens effortlessly, it just looks like it does.

Magical relationships have the same timing and grace as the work of the trapeze artist. The timing comes from practicing, learning new skills, and putting yourselves in the position where you can be harmonious and graceful.

People ask me all the time, “Does therapy work for couples?” The answer is yes, but it takes commitment, dedication and lots of practice. I have seen many couples transform dysfunctional systems into graceful works of art, but only with hard work, practice and good communication skills.

Couples therapy is only one of the tools available to restore the magic to your relationship. I have seen spectacular results from “Marriage Encounter” weekends. Check with your local churches to find such weekend retreats for couples. Many of these weekends are free of charge, and offer wonderful openings for changes to occur. I have also seen paid seminars and weekend workshops produce transformation. I have watched couples grow just by going to group sessions for couples. Any arena where you get to practice and learn new skills to be in harmony with each other will improve your relationship.

If you want to have a powerful relationship, you will have to work at it. Not just when you are in trouble. That work must begin long before the magic wears thin. While you are still able to hold the special feelings of appreciation and love that created the magic in the first place.

Maybe having a great relationship is not important to you. Maybe the work of the trapeze artists seems like a totally pointless craft. Maybe you prefer to just have an exchange of services in your marriage. If so, do nothing.

But if you yearn for more, and if you long for the magic to return or increase in your relationship, you will have to be committed, you will have to learn new skills, and you will have to practice these skills within your relationship until the grace, harmony and gentleness return.

Dedication to harmony, smooth transitions and respect are the hallmarks of a good relationship. Just remember there is no free lunch, and there is no great relationship that just happened accidentally. The beautiful trapeze artists’ skills are developed through practice, and the skills required for beauty within your relationship also require practice, practice and then some more practice.

Stephen Martin is a marriage and family therapist with a private practice and offices in Moss Beach. He is a past president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the largest association of marriage therapists in the world. Martin can be reached at 650-726-1212 or by email at stephen@healmarriage.com. Check out his website at www.healmarriage.com.