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by Phyllis L. Neumann, MS, MFT

November 2011—

The holiday season is almost here. Many families look forward to celebrating, sharing gifts and love, and spending quality time with the family. Other families, however, view the holidays with increasing anxiety. There is a tremendous amount of stress in keeping up a family image when times are tough both financially and emotionally. There is also societal pressure to buy lots of presents. Stacks of presents are usually piled high under the Christmas tree, waiting for little hands to quickly and eagerly tear apart the wrappings.

This is not the year to go wild. The economic climate is too uncertain and more than a little scary. This should be explained to the entire family, and especially to the little ones. In these hard times many families cannot always afford so many presents — so the choice is sometimes between financial stress or parental guilt.

Make this a year that you give of yourself rather than spending money buying glitz and trinkets that barely outlast the season. Challenge yourself to create an atmosphere of giving without spending tons of money. Here are some ideas:

Lower your expectations and slow down your pace. Spend more time “cocooning” and paying attention to each other rather than running from activity to activity. Sometimes a quiet evening by the fire is just the thing to bring families together. Playing board or video games can be a lot of fun and the children will be thrilled to have you participate.

Reach out. Community service or charity work through your church are emotionally great gifts to give for you and your children.

Don’t make promises to your children that you can’t keep. Children count on your word, so plan realistic together activities that you can all share in, and then follow through.

Create imaginative Christmas presents. Give personal certificates for a 10-minute foot massage, a promise to wash the dishes, walk the dog, play a game, go for a hike or bike ride.

Design thoughtfully written and decorated cards. Let your children know how you feel about them. Say it in a card, letter, phone call or email. Note: You can also do this any time of the year.

Give children fewer “junk” holiday treats and spend more time planning and cooking meals together. Be brave! Let the kids make dinner for you. Then sit down to dinner as a family and have real conversations. Get to know your children — what they enjoy, what they don’t like.

Check in with each other every day to see how you’re all doing and what each person’s individual needs are — including your needs. Try to accommodate everyone’s needs by negotiating on the activities for that day.

And don’t forget about yourself. Increase your “wants” list and reduce your “shoulds” list. Don’t just wrap your holidays around the kids. Find adult activities that you want to do and that excite you. This is a time to nurture yourself as well, so that you’re receiving and not just giving.

The Christmas spirit can be the real essence of life — that means learn to live it, not just to give it.

Have a happy holiday season!

Phyllis Neumann is a licensed marriage and family therapist with an office in Half Moon Bay. She has been in practice for 40 years. She enjoys working with individuals and couples, and is currently forming a women’s group. Neumann can be reached at 650-726-8199 or by email at phyllneum@aol.com.