by Heidi Trilling

Writer Kimberly Ford. Photo: Heidi Trilling.

Let’s face it: Playfulness, naughtiness, and a smokin’ hot sex life are not usually synonymous with long-term marriage and kids.

We’ve been conditioned to accept that romance fades, that marriages go stale like bread, that children preempt the sex lives of parents — and that we should resign ourselves to all of this and  settle for less.

Not so, says Kimberly Ford, author of Hump: True Tales of Sex after Kids. “Sex is a crucial aspect of marriage and can be a really powerful way to create and maintain intimacy … which can be hard with young kids.” But not impossible.

Ford, married for 13 years and a mother of three children, ages 12, 10, and 7, has written a book of candid essays that celebrates the erotic lives of parents with humor and joyful straightforwardness.

Her refreshingly honest chapters spotlight such eyebrow-raising topics as the pros and cons of vasectomy, and the pleasure dividends of Brazilian waxes, sex toys, masturbation and porn. A helpful resource list is included at the back  of the book, too.

Throughout, Ford emphasizes keeping marital communication open.

“It’s all about communicating,” Ford says. “It’s an intimacy issue, too, of course. Sex is a foundational way for     us to connect. … And, after kids, it has to become more efficient because sometimes, you have only 20 minutes!” Ford laughs. “And that’s where the vibrator comes in.”

Upon publication of Hump in 2008, Ford led dozens of events promoting the book. “A lot of these groups were young mothers who were in some serious pain,” Ford says. “Sex is such a fraught topic, and these moms came to the events hoping for a sense of community, some empathy and some answers.”

Ford vividly remembers being in a new moms’ group with her firstborn and trying to initiate candid conversations about post-partum sex. “I kind of opened the can of worms — but in a nice way,” Ford says. “But we were all so mired in the really difficult, exhausting phase of having brand-new babies, there wasn’t much openness about sex.”

“Years later,” Ford continues, “I happened to fall in with a group of moms at the elementary school who were incredibly immodest and witty. They were dealing with the same questions I was dealing with. … I just lucked out!”

This is another winning component of Ford’s book: the overall sense of community and friendship and fun that pervades each essay. There are no catty ladies here; Ford speaks admiringly of the intellect, beauty and allure of her   female friends, and all of them gather together — not for Tupperware parties — but for erotic dance parties and sex toy parties.

“One of the goals of the book,” Ford says, “was to either give women who don’t have this sense of community a ‘virtual’ community, or to inspire them to start their own groups. … I think it’s so important to discuss these topics with girlfriends.”

And husbands.

Ford unabashedly celebrates the fruits of monogamy: you know each other emotionally, you know how to please each other physically, you’re  comfortable enough to try something new and, therefore, you evolve together.

“Again, it’s a communication issue,” Ford says. “I think it’s very important to have your sex life evolve. As a married couple, you cannot stagnate. Because, frankly, if you’re going to have sex with the same person for the next 50 years, you have to figure out ways to keep it compelling!”

Hump is definitely compelling reading! Inspiring and funny, Ford makes dodging the kids and having a quickie  in the closet sound as erotic and exciting as a romantic get-away to Tahiti.

It’s also satisfying to hear about positive, healthy relationships, for a change. Men who look adoringly at their wives, appreciating the tolls that pregnancy and Cesarean scars have taken on their bodies; men away on business trips, who call their wives for some loving phone sex.

And the women in the book, who can’t wait to try the latest massage creams on their husbands; women who give their husbands cosmic back rubs, even after 12 straight hours of taking care of the kids and managing household chores — and needing massages, themselves.

In other words, these essays highlight strong, loving marriages that sparkle and work. And that’s great to read about, on Valentine’s Day or any other day.

See? Intense true love and a spicy  sex life are not the exclusive provinces of 18- to 25-year-olds; they are for everyone, parents included! “At some point,” Ford says, “you have to check in and see if your sex life is more or less as satisfying after the babies as it was before the babies.”

If not, spice it up!

Playful, naughty sex does not need  to disappear because of pregnancy, child rearing, and a decade or two of anniversaries — it can get better and better.

And that’s a valentine for us all.