by Janice Wallace

Change is an inevitable part of caring for an aging relative. Just when you have settled into a routine, your caregiving situation changes:

- Your mother’s caregiver gives her notice.

- Your father falls and must use a walker.

- Your aunt’s doctor tells her she can no longer drive a car.

While change can be dramatic, sometimes it is slow and gradual. Your challenge will be noticing that over time your caregiving activities have increased. It may only be the comments of friends and family that help you realize how much your caregiving challenges have grown.

All change — whether a wished for, anticipated change such as the birth of child or the unwished for decline of a loved one’s health — upsets our expectations of how the world works. We all have hidden assumptions, such as:

- If I eat well and exercise I will avoid getting ill.

- Hardworking people will have ease and plenty in their old age.

- Living a good life means that bad things will not happen to me.

Standing where our assumptions and expectations are challenged is an emotional place.

What is your change style? Are you a survivor or thriver?

Survivors get through the change experience by hard work. They may “go it alone” because it seems easier and more efficient. It takes them significant time to acknowledge that a change has taken place. There is often an element of trying to overcome or undo the change.

Thrivers approach change differently. They seek support. They look for meaning and growth in their experience of change. They know that change does  not always move in a straight line and that there will be many steps forwards, backwards and side to side as they adapt to their new reality. Feelings are considered good feedback about how the change process is progressing.

The good news is that thriver skills can be learned. Here are five thriver characteristics you can adopt.

1) Know that grieving what has changed is natural. You may be tempted to let the busyness of caregiving distract you. Instead of pushing away your feelings, seek to be present with your emotions. Speak your truth in a constructive way. Find someone to listen to you without judging.

2) Take the time to renew yourself. What are the activities, places and people that help you renew and recharge your spirit? Writing in a gratitude journal once a day can help focus your attention on the positive aspects   of your life.

3) Lean into the possibility of multiple right answers and away from seeking the perfect answer. If you find yourself thinking that one particular action will fix everything, keep in mind that complex problems often have complex, multi-part solutions.

4) Create a plan for coping with changes by identifying the problems you need to address and possible solutions. A review of how things have changed, conducted with an eldercare advisor or your local senior center,  can help you objectively discuss the impacts on you, your family and the person you are caring for.

All changes should also be discussed with your loved one’s doctor to determine if there is an underlying medical reason for the changes that can be addressed by medication or therapy.

5) Break your plan into small pieces, then take persistent small steps to address your family member’s changing  situation.

Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach, consults with families and seniors on the spiritual, emotional and practical challenges of aging. Schedule a free 30-minute consultation via  her Web sites www.caringforcaregivers.com and www.understanding-dementia.com or by calling 415-661-3271.