by Dena Reiner

Here we are in turkey month. Gobble, gobble, gobble. I always loved getting together with our family for Thanksgiving.   My brother, cousins and I always had a great time. The adults — that’s another story.

As I matured into adulthood, I realized what a dysfunctional family I was born into. Our Thanksgiving dinners were pretty quiet, except for the kids, because hardly any of the adults would speak to each other. This one didn’t like that one, that one didn’t like the other one, and so on. I don’t even know why they bothered getting together, except that my mom and her two sisters were very close, as were my cousins and I. Maybe their reasons for not talking to each other were justified, and maybe they weren’t. In any event, I don’t remember anyone ever making an attempt to resolve the conflicts.

Family dinners can be difficult to navigate because there are so many different relationships involved. If you have a family that argues and screams at family gatherings, or, as in my case, doesn’t speak to one another, all is not lost. Even if you are unable to resolve the conflict with another person, at least you might be able to alleviate the stress and anxiety of going to dinner by resolving something within yourself. It’s not up to you to solve anyone’s issues, except your own.

Think positive. Don’t wake up thinking about dreading the day. Instead, think about what you’re looking forward to doing and family members you want to see.

Break old patterns. This is a big one. You know you’re probably going to hear the same arguments that you do every Thanksgiving. Changing the way you usually react or respond to an argument will change the outcome. If it’s a matter of getting your point across for the umpteenth time, make sure you get your point across this time. Is the person listening? Does the person understand what you’re saying? Ask yourself the same questions when someone is speaking to you. Once you’re satisfied you’ve been heard, listened to, and understood, your demeanor will change, and you’ll be able to focus on enjoying yourself and your family.

Don’t respond in kind. If someone starts yelling at you, don’t yell back. Yelling and screaming do nothing but escalate the argument.

Don’t play the victim role. If a family member insults you, puts you down, or does anything that angers or hurts you, draw on your inner strength. Again, you can change the way you think. Rather than feel sorry for yourself, think about why a person treats another person this way. It’s the only way some people can feel better about themselves — having fun at the expense of others.

Here are some other suggestions for enjoying family functions without arguments and stress, whether you’re directly involved in an argument or trying to break one up.

• Remember they’re your family and you’re supposed to love them unconditionally.

• Remain calm and focused.

• Ask questions that elicit other than “yes” or “no” answers.

• Ask the reasons for arguing in the first place.

• Change the subject.

• Stop talking.

• Suggest games to play or tell a joke.

• Remember the things you thought of in the morning that you were looking forward to.

• Distance yourself from the person who argues at every family function, especially at the dinner table.

• If all else fails, think about alternative plans for next year.

Happy Thanksgiving! I welcome your thoughts and questions.

Dena Reiner is a mediator who  resides in Half Moon Bay. She has over eight years’ experience mediating disputes, and is a member of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California. She can be reached at 650-712-9821 or by e-mail at msmediator@comcast.net.