by Janet Periat

JIM LEHRER: Senator Obama, can you outline your approach to solving the current financial disaster?

OBAMA: This country’s been gutted like a trout by rich corporate robbers and the morons in the White House. John McCain is so stupid, he thinks that running this country exactly the way George Bush is will solve all our problems.

McCAIN (red-faced and shaking): See? He’s an elitist! He thinks he’s better than you! Are you honestly going to vote for a black man? Not only is he black, he’s a Muslim-loving, gun-hating, baby-killing machine!

OBAMA (glowering at McCAIN): John, you f**kin’ crazy old man, shut the f**k up. You belong in a nursing home, not the Oval Office. I mean, look at you, I’m worried you won’t live long enough to complete this debate.

McCAIN (purple-faced): I’m experienced, not old! I’ve been there! I’ve done it all!

OBAMA: John, you’ve changed your mind so much and been so many different people in the past months, we’re gonna have to start calling you Senator Sybil. I think if someone said they’d trade you the presidency for your wife, you’d take the deal.

McCAIN calms, narrows eyes, rubs chin. Appears to be thinking. Coming alive, he glares at OBAMA.

McCAIN: Oh, Christ, you take the graft too, don’t give me that crap. I’m not the only whore in the Capitol.

OBAMA: Sure, I feed from the same corporate trough as you do, but goddamn it, at least I know when to make concessions between what the corporations want and what I give them. It’s like you rich old white men know your days are numbered so you’re looting the place and leaving nothing for us. You took all the money from the middle class — the only idiots without the lawyer power to fight our Byzantine tax laws. Instead of bleeding them slowly, you freakin’ popped their aortas and let all the blood out. And you ruined it for the rest of us by stealing so obviously your theft could be seen from space. Oh, and tell your oil buddies, the next time they invade another country, make sure they know the history of the place before they attack. You guys weren’t just greedy, you were more ignorant than a graduate from one of our underfunded public schools.

McCAIN (gesturing wildly): Look here, you, I paid my dues. You owe me this presidency. I suffered seven f**king years of torture for this country. And you idiots abandoned me and made the mission I suffered for irrelevant. You owe me winning in Iraq and you owe me this presidency! It’s mine, you hear me, mine!!!

OBAMA (shaking head): John you need therapy, not the presidency.

McCAIN’s head spins around on his shoulders, foam appears on the corners of his mouth.

McCAIN: You’re a pussy! You’re going to get us all killed! Al-Qaida is going to kill us all! We need to bomb Iran! You don’t understand! The Russians are going to kill us! The North Koreans are going to kill us! We need to get them before they get us! We need to bomb the hell out of Iraq, then Iran, then Russia, then North Korea! Bomb them, I tell you, bomb them or we’ll never be safe!

OBAMA (frowning): Now you’re channeling the spirit of Dick Cheney. We don’t need a therapist; we need an exorcist.

LEHRER: Shut the f**k up the both of you. Goddamn, did you even hear my question, Senator Obama? And Senator McCain, put in your stupid hearing aids. Hell, you two are so stuck in your rhetoric, you don’t even listen anymore. How the hell are you going to solve this goddamned financial crisis?

OBAMA: Look, I don’t know how the hell I’m going to solve this problem, no one does, OK? We’re all bought by the same jerks that just took all the money and created all these scams! We can’t afford to piss them off or we’ll never get the money to pay for the advertising that wins us elections! I mean, this system is hosed. It would take years to untie this financial knot. All we can do is throw some more money at the problem and hope it goes away. What do you want to me to say? I’ll sprinkle some fairy dust over the problem and 60 years of greed and corruption will automatically disappear? No. They won’t. We‘re screwed right now and I think everyone knows it.

McCAIN: I can solve the problem! We bomb Iraq! We win in Iraq! We should have kept bombing Vietnam until nothing was left! They tortured me for seven years! I was in …

OBAMA and McCAIN: … prison for seven years!

LEHRER: That’s enough out of the both of you. Please don’t excite him this much, Senator Obama, his heart can’t take it. While an onstage heart attack would be great for the ratings, we’d have to go off script and that gets messy. OK, Senator McCain, other than bombing the world, how do you intend to fix the current financial situation?

McCAIN: We bomb Iraq! We win in Iraq! That will boost morale! When I was with General Petraeus, over there in Iraq, I saw how …

LEHRER: I didn’t ask about Iraq, you idiot, I want to know how you’re going to fix the economy.

McCAIN (calms immediately, seems stunned): The economy is sound. Well,  not really. God, I don’t know how to fix the goddamned thing any more than my black opponent does. But I don’t care about that. I want to win in Iraq! We have to! You owe me! This country owes me!

LEHRER: I’d let you rebut, Senator Obama, but it’s clear you don’t know how to fix the economy, either. Well, folks, God help us all on the economy because neither of these guys has a clue how to fix it. As for me, I wish something could be done about the corruption of our system before we become a third-world country. But by the tone and content of tonight’s debate, that won’t be happening anytime soon. Good night and good luck.

©2008, Janet Periat

This column is for entertainment only and not intended to provide news. The views expressed are the opinion of the author.