by Jeri Dansky

When I was 12 years old and living in Michigan, my family’s annual fall outing to the local cider mill was a highlight of the year. The tastes and smells of the apple cider and the fresh-made doughnuts stay in my memory 45 years later! But I had a homework assignment I was working on, so I missed that year’s trip to the mill. No one could convince me I was going over the top with my simple geography assignment, doing much more than the teacher had ever intended. And that was my introduction to the cost of being a perfectionist.

In the book Too Perfect: When Being In Control Gets Out of Control, authors Allan Mallinger and Jeanette Dewyze write of the difference between perfectionism and the “healthy will to excel.” The healthy achiever, they say, “keeps a rational perspective. He realizes that some tasks don’t allow much room for error; if he happens to be a surgeon or a pilot, he takes the time to plan and prepare for his professional tasks and then carries them out in an exacting, thorough manner, with total attention to detail. On the other hand, when he’s preparing dinner for company or choosing a shirt, he realizes that in these matters an error won’t have major consequences and they don’t warrant a lot of worry.”

In a recent article in Psychology Today, Hara Estroff Marano explains some of the key dynamics behind perfectionism, referencing the insights of psychologist Randy Frost, a professor at Smith College. She writes, “By itself, having high standards … does not impale a person on perfectionism; it is necessary, but not sufficient. ‘Most people who are successful set very high standards for themselves,’ observes Frost. ‘They tend to be happy.’ What turns life into the punishing pursuit of perfection is the extent to which people are worried about mistakes.”

And in their fear of making mistakes, perfectionists will often procrastinate; many perfectionists have trouble starting (or completing) a project. They tend to forget that a project that gets done well, if not perfectly, accomplishes much more than one that never gets done at all. I’m reminded of business people who don’t launch their websites for months (or years) on end as they strive to get everything perfect, instead of just launching a good-enough website and continually improving it.

As a writer and editor, I understand the fear of making mistakes. Readers (including me) don’t take kindly to publications (or even blogs) filled with errors, and worthwhile publications take significant steps to avoid them. But an occasional slip isn’t so horrible. Someone will correct you; you’ll make a change or publish a correction. And life goes on just fine.

If you’re a perfectionist and would like to try being less of one, Mallinger and Dewyze recommend giving yourself little exercises in being B-minus; try being a B-minus housekeeper, for example. “And before you insist that you don’t want to be a B-minus anything, try it a few times.”

And professional organizer Ariane Benefit suggests asking yourself a series of questions, including the following:

Will anyone get hurt if this isn’t perfect?

Will anyone get hurt waiting for me to get this perfect? (This includes me … like will I lose sleep? Miss out on time with my family and friends?)

Will I miss a deadline or other commitment if I don’t ease up?

In five years, will I feel the time I spent on making this perfect was worth the sacrifice of other things that I could have been doing with my time?

On his website, Steve Pavlina urges us to “replace perfectionism with permission to be human.” That sounds like good advice for all of us.