by Janice Wallace

February 2011 — It’s human nature to avoid thinking about a time when you might need help with daily tasks or find living in your home or pursuing activities you love a challenge. Many of us put off vital conversations and preparations for aging and disability because it seems too painful to face.

If we are older, it can seem risky to start a conversation about aging with our relatives and friends. What if they misinterpret the conversation as an invitation to invade our privacy? If we are younger, aging issues may seem remote or we may be afraid to consider that our older friends and relatives might need our help in the not-too-distant future.

Leaving the conversation until it is too late, when a crisis has occurred, can mean that decisions may be made that don’t honor the values of the person being cared for.

There are three common pitfalls that many families experience when trying to discuss eldercare plans.

Pitfall No. 1: Never getting started

Many families never have meaningful conversations about aging before a crisis. These sensitive conversations take time.

Use these tactics to overcome your family member’s reluctance to discuss aging issues:

• Pick a time when your family member is relaxed and you have his full attention.

• Open the topic with an example from the media or real life where planning avoided a problem or lack of planning created problems.

• Gently persist if you are met with resistance to discussing aging issues. If you would be helping your family member, tell him that you want to do a good job, you need his help, and you want to follow his wishes. If you are communicating your wishes to a family member, tell him that sharing your wishes and plans will give you peace of mind.

Opinions and situations change over time, so it’s important to check in at least once a year to see if any of your family member’s wishes have changed.

Pitfall No. 2: Not being open-minded about options

As a way of maintaining independence, some elders refuse to discuss even minor changes to their routines. Sacrificing privacy for safety and giving up things you have done for many years is not easy. However, rejecting minor compromises might lead to an accident, which might result in a drastic change to your independence.

Often, the person providing support will research alternatives. Knowing your options and possible solutions is very important. Listen carefully to each other’s point of view and be open to compromise. Neither asking for nor offering promises around specific solutions is wise; focus on the broad strokes of what your family member wants and what you can provide rather than absolutes.

Pitfall No. 3: Not following through by creating or updating legal tools and communicating decisions to family members

Talking about aging issues and making plans for the future has two parts: creating legal tools and sharing your plans with family members and friends. Legal tools such as a durable power of attorney for finance and a durable power of attorney for healthcare are needed to make sure your wishes are carried out.

Encourage your family member to discuss his wishes with other family members. Communicating in advance can make crisis times less stressful when family and friends know they are acting on their loved one’s wishes.

Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach, helps families take the best care possible of aging family members by providing trusted resources, education, planning and support. More information and a free report on aging issues are available at CaringforCaregivers.com and Understanding-Dementia.com.