by Janet Periat

Dear Janet:

I’m a 16-year-old high school junior and my older sister was going through my stuff and found my birth control pills. Now she’s blackmailing me, saying she’s going to tell my mother if I don’t give her my allowance every week. My mother hates my boyfriend and if she knew we were having sex, she’d never let me out of the house again. So far, I’ve had to give my sister three weeks of allowance. I hate my sister but I can’t risk my mother finding out. Please help me!

Blackmailed

Letter to Janet’s Web site

Dear Blackmailed:

Damn, wish I could kick your sister’s ass for you. What a jerk. Doesn’t she realize that she’s just forfeited a future relationship with you? Idiot. OK, back to you. Good for you for using birth control. Smart girl. However, birth control pills aren’t the only method available to you. Why not get those Depo-Provera shots? They last three months. You have to go to the clinic four times a year, but that’s it. No home supplies. Try this Web site for other birth control choices: www.fwhc. org/birth-control/. Or go to your local Planned Parenthood and talk to a nurse about your options. There are several methods that won’t require having any evidence at home. Then tell that jerk of a sister of yours to go get stuffed. And if she tells your mom, simply tell your mother that you stopped using birth control pills because you don’t need them anymore. Which is the truth. Don’t elaborate. Good luck, honey.

Dear Janet:

My cousin’s daughter is getting married and I’ve been invited to the wedding. Bear in mind, this is her third marriage and she’s only 28. The invitation has a note at the bottom: Cash Gifts Only, Please. I blew my top when I read it and have no intention of going to this sham of a wedding. My cousin called last night because she hadn’t received my RSVP and I chickened out and told her I’d get it in the mail. This is tough because I’m close to this cousin, but have never liked her stupid daughter. Besides, she’s already got a silver vase and a set of professional Calphalon cookware out of me. What should I do?

Fed Up

Letter to Janet’s Web site

Dear Fed Up:

Easy. Attend the wedding; don’t give Serial Marriage Girl any dough. Nada. Zip. Go and eat the food, dance and drink and that’s all you have to do. If they ask, mention the Calphalon and silver vase.

Dear Janet:

Every time I have my friends over, they bring their two daughters, ages 8 and 10. They’re nice enough girls but they have no manners. They paw through my stuff and take things down off of shelves, they open drawers, I never know what they’ll get into and all my friend does is smile at them and brag about their accomplishments. What can I do? I love this friend and I actually really like the girls, but they’re so disobedient. How can I tell my friend that she has to keep them under better control?

Unhappy Hostess

Letter to Janet’s Web site

Dear Unhappy Hostess:

Number one thing you need to realize: That house is yours. You own it, you make the rules, everyone else follows them. When your friend arrives with her children, take the girls aside, and let them know what your house rules are. Don’t make a big deal out of it, either. Act like you do this all the time. And make the rules list short. Like this: I have two rules in my house. First rule: You must have fun. Second rule: Ask before you touch anything. Next, give them some activities. If you don’t have any games or age-appropriate toys, pick some up. They don’t have to be expensive, even a deck of cards will work. Tell the girls to be respectful of the toys so others may enjoy them later. And ask them to put them away before they leave.

Don’t ask permission from your friend. Take quiet control and tell the girls exactly what’s expected of them. I think you’ll find you’ll enjoy the visits much more.

Dear Janet:

My husband stinks. I mean, stinks bad. I keep trying to get him to use aftershave, but he says it makes him sneeze. He takes showers every morning, but he sweats a lot when he works because he’s a carpenter. By the time he gets home, he’s smelling bad. Then he wants to hug me and when I push him away he gets his feelings hurt. I keep telling him that if he smelled better I’d want to hug him more and he just says that I’m mean and I should love him no matter what he smells like. How can I get him to stop smelling?

Sick of the Stink

Letter to Janet’s Web site

Dear Sick of the Stink:

Wow, that is a pickle. OK, how about this? Dig a pit directly in front of the front door and build a trap door above it. Fill the pit with cologne or soapy water. When he comes home, push the switch for the trap door and splash! Your worries are over. Or when he pulls up in the driveway after work, be waiting for him with a hose and blast him the second he steps out of the truck. If those methods don’t work or anger him, buy some cologne and “accidentally” spill some on him. Daily.

OK, all kidding aside, bottom line, the dude needs to shower after work. And he has to take responsibility for smelling bad. This is not fair to you. No one likes stench. Well, except for dogs. And most of the time, they don’t like it either. Loving him has nothing to do with liking the smell of body odor. If the man wants sex, he’s going to have to pay the price and take a freakin’ shower.

©2008, Janet Periat

This column is for entertainment only and not intended to provide news. The views expressed are the opinion of the author.