by Janet Periat

A Note To My Readers:

As most of you know, my sister had brain surgery and a stroke recently. This has been one of the most stressful times of my life. As I wandered the halls of the hospital and spoke to people, I realized how many people were enduring health crises whether they were the patients or the family members of the patients. This was when I realized that not every jerk on the highway that cuts me off is a jerk. I realized that some people who appear self-centered are in actuality distracted. This realization has made me kinder to those who suddenly careen over three lanes of freeway traffic to use the exit ramp. How do I know what they’re going through? Maybe that man’s wife has cancer and mere days to live and he is trying to get her pain meds to help her. Maybe he just got a diagnosis of a life-threatening disease himself. Maybe she just got news that her best friend died.

So I want to give everyone this advice: Be kind to each other. If someone appears rude, maybe her mother just died. Not everyone is late to her Botox injections or to see her personal trainer. Some people are in the worst pain they’ve ever experienced. 

And if someone in a store asks you for a favor, maybe to go ahead of you in line because he has one item and you have a bunch, let him. Show some kindness. On one of the worst days of my life, I needed this one lady to give me a break in line at See’s in downtown San Mateo because I was late to the hospital and I wanted to bring candy to the nurses so they’d be nicer to my sister. I had one box of candy and this woman was picking out a selection for herself and taking forever. I asked if I could go ahead and she gave me this imperious smile and drawled, “It will only be a minute,” then turned away and went even slower. I burst into tears and ranted about how my sister was hooked up to tubes and I didn’t know if she was going to live or die and rushed out of the store. As the door closed behind me, I heard her say “Oh.” I cried all the way to the hospital. I really needed someone, anyone, to show me a little kindness that day and this woman was only focused on herself.

So please, folks, be kind and gentle with each other. Give people the benefit of the doubt. You never know what hell your fellow man may be experiencing.

Dear Janet:

I’m a 60-year-old woman and I’ve been married to my husband for almost 40 years. My problem is my mother-in-law. She has never liked me, she ignores me when she comes to visit and barks orders at me. I’ve tried many ways to get her to like me, but it seems the more I try, the meaner she is. My husband says she’s just like that and I should ignore her. But when she’s here, he disappears and I’m stuck with her. She’s coming out to visit and is looking for places to move nearby us since my husband is her only child and she can’t handle her big house back east anymore. I can’t stand the thought of being around this woman any more than I already am. Is there anything I can do to get her to be nicer to me?

Upset Daughter-In-Law

Letter to Janet’s Web site

Dear Upset:

No. There isn’t anything you can do to make her be nicer to you. Give up. And when she visits, don’t go out of your way for her. Make plans to leave when she’s around. You don’t have to entertain someone who doesn’t like you. Let your husband do that. He’s not being fair with you; he shouldn’t be sticking you with the old woman. Tell him to step up to the plate. It’s his mother, for God’s sake, not yours. 

I had a similar thing happen to me, only it was my husband’s grandmother who hated me. When I would come into a room, she’d get up and make a big show of leaving. If I spoke to her, she’d turn away. I tried all to hell to charm her, but nothing worked. She thought I was a licentious older divorcee who’d seduced her poor grandson and led him down the garden path of sin. Which was true. But it still didn’t give her the right to be rude to me. An older friend of mine led me to see how Grandma would never accept me; there was too much of a generational difference. So I gave up and stopped trying. Weirdly enough, Grandma respected me more after that and started trying to impress me. So if I were you, I’d be polite, but indifferent. Don’t care what she thinks. Ignore her bad behavior and concentrate on your own life. Good luck, honey. 

Dear Janet:

I hope you can settle this argument for my husband and me. He owns two sets of golf clubs and I just started playing the game and money is tight right now. But he won’t let me use his extra set; he says he might want to use either set at any time. Well, one set hasn’t been touched in a year. It has a ton of dust on it. I say he’s being selfish. He says the clubs are his and only his. We’ve been married for 10 years and are mostly happy. I don’t want to cause a problem, but this is crazy. Who do you think is right?

Golf Beginner

Letter to Janet’s Web site

Dear Golf Beginner:

In my opinion, you are. However, legally you only have rights to stuff he acquired after you were married. And you only have rights to half of it. So if he bought both sets of clubs before, they are his to do with as he pleases, but if he bought them after he married you, you get to use them. But aside from the legalities, what’s his problem with sharing? He sounds like a big baby to me. If he won’t share, make sure he pays for your new clubs.