by Janet Periat

I recently celebrated my half-century birthday. I have learned much in my time here. I’m starting to forget most of it, so I’m going to write down the salient points for future reference.

No. 1: When you turn 50, you don’t have to dress like your mother. My mom always dressed cool, but ultra-feminine. And very adult. So do all my girlfriends. I dress like a teenage boy. I had this idea in the back of my mind that someday I would wake up and be a grown-up and suddenly understand the need for high heels and dresses and scarves. You know, like, at 50. Now that I’m 50 I’ve come to a realization: I will always dress like a 19-year-old boy. At 95, I’m gonna look like “The Mummy” in jeans and a T-shirt. Which is actually fine  because of No. 2.

No. 2: No one cares what old people do. Basically, you go from being “the” age in all TV dramas, the center of the universe of fashion, on the forefront of new trends, straight into the vast wasteland of The Great Ignored. Your age group is no longer represented on TV, except in embarrassing denture commercials. No one asks you what you’re doing anymore because they assume you’re not doing anything new or interesting. Which means you can finally get away with whatever you want. I rented a bounce house for my adults-only 50th birthday party and had a blast jumping in the stupid thing. I kept expecting the Age Police to show up and ticket me. But no one gave a damn. I’m thinking of pushing this whole Ignoring of the Old People phenomenon and starting a life of crime.

No. 3: Sex is as good at 50 as it was at 20. Even better, because I’m not as self-conscious, nor am I worried about unintended consequences. Like children. The only difference is I’m not into all that freakin’ Cirque du Soleil stuff because I’m as flexible as a two-by-four with as much stamina as an emphysema patient on oxygen. Which brings me to No. 4.

No. 4: Aging hurts. You can still do much of what you did in your youth, you’re just gonna pay a price for it. Sure you can have sex all night or jump in a bounce house. You’ll just be in traction for the following week. Getting out of bed requires not only more effort, but a large grunt, too. There is a direct relationship between age and the amount of noise you make when getting up. I used to think my parents were having brain aneurysms every time they got out of a chair. Now I get it. If you sit too long, everything solidifies. Kind of like pre-rigor mortis. I think my body assumes that since I’ve sat for so long, I’ve actually died, so it stiffens up like a corpse and gets ready for embalming. All that pain is from my body reanimating as I force it to move. Kind of like Frankenstein being shocked into life. My mom says it gets worse, and this   is the only thing she’s ever told me that’s turned out to be true.

No. 5: Your parents were wrong about almost everything. The problem with parents is that they give you advice from their parents, who got it from their parents and pretty soon, the advice sounds like it came from the Pilgrims just getting off the Mayflower. In every generation, all the rules change, yet parents’ advice stays the same. Get a good job. Stay there forever. Pay them with your loyalty and they’ll pay you with theirs. Banks are the safest place to put your money. Mom told me the other day, “Don’t worry about planning for your future; it will all work out by itself. That’s what we did.” Riiiggghhht. My parents’ generation lucked out. They bought their homes for a dime and sold them for a million. They got GI loans, health insurance and pensions, and could support a family of six on one salary. They got Social Security. Basically, their generation spent all the money and left nothing for us. Of course, if they told us the truth, we wouldn’t be helping them pay for that nice cushy retirement home.

No. 6: As they age, most men turn into Dick Cheney. Remember how cute Richard Dreyfus was? What about that hot guy in high school? What the hell happened to these guys? They all got fat, bald and whiter. They all morphed into the same man. They started off as adorable men, then they went through the Dick-Cheney-izer. They lost their hair, acquired a paunch, started wearing glasses, dressed in old-man clothes and now resemble human maggots. Their wives look 20 years younger even if they’re the same age. The weird thing is, the guys still think they’re hot. Frightening.

No. 7: If it tastes good or makes you feel good, it’s bad for you. Beer, chocolate, caffeine, doughnuts, hamburgers, French fries, cigarettes, butter, salt and Pringles. That was my breakfast. The doctor keeps telling me it’s all gonna kill me, but since I’m old now and no one cares what I do, I figure to hell with it. Which brings me to No. 8.

No. 8: When you get older, you realize that no one knows anything. Especially doctors. Three years ago, my doctor told me I should be on hormone replacement therapy because it would help prevent certain illnesses. A year ago, she told me I shouldn’t because HRT causes more illnesses than  it was supposed to cure. I could name 500 other things my doctor was wrong about. So now I don’t listen to her. Or anyone else for that matter. Of course, that could be my hearing.

Stay tuned, I have much more   wisdom to impart — if I could only remember it.

©2009, Janet Periat