by Stephen Martin, MFT

“He that troubles his own house shall inherit the wind.” — Proverbs 11:29

The holiday season is a time for family celebrations. Family should be a sacred place — a refuge of safety in an uncertain world. But for this to be true, all members of the family must work towards family unity and must be supportive of the members of their family.

Some consider that there is no wiser literature than the Book of Proverbs found in the Bible. The proverbs are pithy sayings collected and stored for generations, which are full of poetry, wisdom and beauty. Long before family therapy was conceived, the author of the Book of Proverbs gave sound advice about family relationships. And the clear message is, protect your family emotionally, physically and spiritually.

The world can be a cold and unfriendly landscape. There are times when only your family will support you. Pity the people who have no family to support them when the going gets rough. Family is like the Federal Reserve, the bank of last resort. Family is the safe harbor in a storm. Or as my brother loves to remind me when speaking of family, “blood is thicker than water.”

It may seem inconsequential that family gets together for traditional holidays. It may appear ordinary when family members spend idle days together socializing around meals. But what is occurring is far more important than just passing time. Emotionally, the members of the family are bonding, uniting, and supporting each other. Without family support, humans feel lonely, isolated and lost.

Of course, family is not always created by blood. There are many people who have created their own family from friends, associates and service groups because their natural family  is so dysfunctional. Family is a feeling of companionship and identification with others. There are many non-traditional family groups that are incredibly strong, supportive and loving. In fact, when traditional family breaks down, creating your own family from friends and associates works well for many people.

In fact, some people have found that because of family dysfunctionality, where original family members are toxic and destructive, replacement family can work well. Family should ideally be accepting, non-judgmental and loving. If your original family is cruel and judgmental, creating an alternative can be very wise. The point is, humans need family whether that family is by “blood” or by rational decision. For in family, humans find support and emotional nurturing.

Which brings us back to the wisdom of proverbs. Once you have a strong, supportive family in place, do not trouble it or tear away at the fabric of the group. Love your family. Emotionally feed your family. Take care of each other. For, if you trouble your family, you shall “inherit the wind.” Loneliness and isolation will result. And humans do not do well alone. We all need family, and all that family can give to us emotionally and physically.

This holiday season is a good time to support your family and be supported by your family, whether that family is traditional or chosen from your friends. This season is a good time to love that family.

Stephen Martin is a marriage and family therapist in private practice since 1980, with offices in Moss Beach. Martin has served as president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the largest association of marriage therapists in the world. You can read Martin’s blog at his Web site, www.healmarriage.com. He can be reached at 650-726-1212, or by e-mail at stephen@healmarriage.com.